


Bittersweet

by msdisdain



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Holodeck, Minor Character Death, like really old, really old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:46:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msdisdain/pseuds/msdisdain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of her letter from Mark, Janeway manages to say things. </p><p>Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> Written a long, long time ago under another name.
> 
> Original author's note: This story is a kind of reversal of another story I wrote called The Silent Goodbye. I suppose it can also be considered a Hunters epilogue, an episode that for some reason continues to inspire me to write.

It smelled like spring. Damp earth, growing things. Flowers and trees caught up in the cycle of rebirth, their scent carried through the air on the backs of raindrops. Water fell from the skies softly, quietly, like a baptism, and the sun streaked softly through the gray clouds to reflect here and there in a puddle. Wind wrapped itself around tree branches and whistled shrilly through rocks, soaring over him and ruffling his hair and clothes as he stood in the door of the holodeck.

The summons had come fifteen minutes before: a simple request over his comm badge to meet her here in this program. He wasn't sure what the place was; it wasn't one of her usual choices, he knew that much. As he stepped inside and the rain began to run over him, he wondered what the significance was. Why he was here. One foot in front of the other. He set off to find her.

She was still a good distance away when he caught his first glimpse, and he stopped for a moment to look at her. She was perched on a flat rock at the edge of a creek that ran through a shallow valley, her face turned up to the rain, her eyes closed. He had no idea how long she had been there but she was wet through, her shirt and pants hanging heavily around her and her hair flattened back against her head.

He walked towards her silently, slipped onto the rock next to her and turned his own face up to the sky. Her weight shifted slightly in place as he did so, but she said nothing. She had invited him. He would wait until she was ready to speak, no matter how curious he was. The rain ran over him in rivulets, until within a few minutes he was as wet as she was.

"Mark hated the rain," she finally murmured. He opened his eyes and turned toward her. She was looking at him, a faint smile on her lips, her eyes slightly narrowed as if she were studying him. He bore her scrutiny without speaking, knowing that she wasn't finished yet, and wondering where she was leading.

"When Phoebe and I were little we used to wait and wait for it. I always loved the way it made everything smell like it was growing." Her face tilted slightly, the chin lifting, her eyes focusing on the clouds above them. "I've missed that, being on Voyager. Feeling the rain on my face. Walking with Bear, watching her chase the water into puddles. Letting it wash all my troubles away-watching it make the world clean, even if just for a moment."

Chakotay wanted to tell her he was sorry, but something in her tone told him not to. When she slid off the rock and held out her hand to him, he stood up and took it. Better to not ask questions when life threw you moments you weren't prepared for. Sometimes it was better to just pick up the ball and see where it rolled. Slowly they walked along the edge of the swollen creek, hand in hand, until at some point her arm slipped around his waist. His breath caught in his throat at the unexpected gesture, and froze there as her head came to rest against his shoulder. Slowly, he wrapped his arm around her back, and still they walked in silence, their only accompaniment the sound of the rain falling gently around them.

"You miss him," Chakotay said finally, his voice low against her hair. He felt her nod, felt her cheek rub against his shirt briefly.

"I've always missed him." He listened carefully for any sign that she was growing upset, but heard only thoughtful contemplation in her tone. "We'd been together a long time, you know. Years."

"To get the news about his marriage-"

"On a PADD. Too far away to react properly. Yes. It upset me."

"It should. It's not an easy thing to find out."

Janeway stopped walking abruptly. "We've never discussed Mark."

He took a deep breath, wondering where the discussion was leading. "No. We haven't."

"You've never asked about him, until today."

"I didn't think it was my place. My right."

"Didn't you?" she turned her head so their eyes met. His face shuttered, and she held up a hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"You did. But it's okay." He took a deep breath. "Okay, then. Why didn't you marry him? All those-"

"All those years together. I know. A long time to be so stagnant?" Something in his face changed, and she shook her head. "My words, my thoughts, Chakotay. Maybe if we'd been able to return to Earth…I would have. If it was early enough in the trip. But I would have been sorry for it, and if the door to home opened up tomorrow, I'd be happy that he found someone." She took a deep breath. "Of course, it all becomes a cop-out, then."

Chakotay reached up and brushed the hair away from her face. "What do you mean?"

"I never had to make the decision; never had to tell him goodbye face to face. It's all out of my hands now. He probably had a memorial to go to; he had my things to pack away. He thought I was dead. Death makes it easier, I think, to go on. Easier than uncertainty."

"Would you have been able to move on without that letter?"

Janeway looked up and met his gaze evenly. "I moved on a long time ago." She held his eyes a long moment before pulling free of his grasp and turning back in the direction of the rock, and he reached out and caught hold of her arm. She froze and they stood there, the rain running over them, until he felt the muscles in her arm relax. Gently he turned her around and pulled her forward into his arms.

It was an awkward embrace, at first. Her feet weren't planted firmly on the ground and she was leaning precariously to one side; his arms were wrapped around her back tightly and as a result her face was shoved into the hollow between his neck and shoulder. Her heart was racing and his breath was shallow; she could feel him swallow heavily. She raised her head slightly to allow more air to reach her mouth and he brushed her cheek, gently, with his nose. Her eyes slid shut at the tenderness of the gesture and she turned her face into his neck, just barely brushing her nose and lips against his skin. She heard him take a shuddering breath, exhaling warm air next to her ear. She slid her arms around his waist as he continued to nuzzle her cheek with his nose, more out of the need for support than out of affection. She was becoming very aroused, all of her senses awake and heightened to him, and he'd barely touched her.

"You're trembling," he whispered.

"It is raining," she managed to say.

Her arms clutched at him, and she shifted her weight again to maintain her balance. She lifted her face from his shoulder and saw him looking down at her, his face unreadable. Slowly, she brought her face up and brushed his mouth with hers in the lightest of kisses. His mouth moved slowly, until he was smiling down at her. Her lips turned up in response, and then they were both laughing. His hand came up and cupped the back of her head, and suddenly her expression sobered.

"Computer, freeze program." The rain stopped falling and he watched her, waiting. "Can we go back to the rock?" she asked quietly. He nodded and they walked back slowly, hands entwined, not speaking. They settled themselves on the rock and he waited for her to speak.

"Sometimes I'm afraid that you know me better than anyone. And sometimes I think you don't know me at all." She stared down at her hands for a long moment before looking up quickly.

Chakotay nodded, silently. Thoughtfully. "You're right," he said. "There are days when I think I have you all figured out. Then you say something, or do something, and I wonder who you are. What you're doing here."

Janeway smiled ruefully. "Do you know how many times a day I wonder that?" Her hand edged a little closer to his on the rock.

"Fate," he murmured.

"What?"

He reached out and picked up her hand in both of his, rubbing his thumb over her skin gently. "Fate, Kathryn. We got thrown out here for a reason."

Skepticism filled her eyes. "Chakotay, fate is a myth." He opened his mouth to speak and she held up her other hand. "And no ancient legends about it, please," she said, smiling.

Chakotay raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Would I do that?"

"Oh no," she said, rolling her eyes. "Never."

"Sarcasm, Kathryn? How un-captainlike of you."

Her smile faded and she stared down at their joined hands. "Sometimes I get very tired of being the captain."

"You don't always have to be the captain." She looked about to protest his words and he shook his head. "Don't say it. I know the duty never goes away. But…somewhere, out here, there are moments-places-where you could set it down for a little while. Not lay it away-ever. But rest the burden awhile."

Janeway smiled a little. "I think I'd need a lot of help to do that."

He laughed. "You're right. You might need all one hundred and fifty of us."

She reached out and smacked him mockingly. "How about I could just start with you?" The seriousness of her expression belied the lightness behind her tone.

Chakotay took her hands again. "I think you could do a lot worse," he said quietly.

Once more she freed her hands, this time to cup his face cautiously. "The rules don't go away. And promises aren't possible."

"Not yet."

An exasperated laugh broke from her. "Don't push, Commander." Her eyes were warm, though, as she looked at him, and she shifted closer to him on the rock. "It's not really fair to you," she said, and he didn't have to ask what she was talking about.

"I don't think in terms of 'fair', Kathryn. Everything I've done has been my choice, in as far as I can make a choice about these things. I could have stepped away altogether. It would have been…difficult…but I could have done it. Even the uncertainty was better than nothing, most of the time."

"We're still going to have the uncertainty," she murmured, her fingers smoothing his hair.

His lips curved. "Of course we are. You're stubborn and often impossible to deal with rationally," he teased.

"You're evasive and over-emotional," she countered, raising an eyebrow.

"That's why you love me."

They both stopped moving, the word floating between them on the air. Neither breathed for a long moment, and then suddenly, they were both grinning widely.

"Do you want to go eat, or have a walk, maybe?" he asked after a long moment.

She shook her head. "I'd like to stay here for awhile, if you don't mind-maybe we can have dinner later."

He nodded and moved to stand, and she laughed.

"I want you to stay, Chakotay."

His breath caught in his chest, and he breathed deeply to free it as she settled back against his shoulder. "Computer, resume program."

And the rain began to fall.


End file.
